BORN AGAIN, Slovene

I’m not Slovene, but I’d like to play one in real life.

And luckily, with reincarnation, it may just be possible. Of course, being reborn brings a world of opportunity, and one might not want to limit their possibilities early on. Because it is tempting to wish for a next life as a curler.

Or a life with bigger lungs, a stronger lower esophageal sphincter, endless energy. A life of speaking 5 languages, drumming, being a Juneauite, or being married to a Mr. Darcy. But when all is said and done, being born again Slovene might just top the list.

If one could only snatch one of those spots in advance. Because they are getting more scarce. The Slovenian birth rate is going down and the population is declining, fast. In fact, Slovenia has the lowest birth-rate in the world. That is a true statement. Slovenian women have an average of 1.2 children.

WHAT? I may have to settle for being less than whole?

WHAT? A birthrate of only 1.2% in a country where there is the lowest infant mortality in the world? In a country where the largest percentage of state allocated funds is for EDUCATION? In a country who's households spend only 1.6% of their income on healthcare, and 13% on “recreation, culture and cafes.” What are they thinking?

‘Hey! Get to it out there. Make those spa hot tub frolics count. This is spring you know. ‘

And besides, that January 1^st deadline is looming.

It is?

If you do happen to be one of those lucky 1.85 million people to be born Slovene, chances are, you’ll be born on January 1^st. If you are male that is. The greatest number of people in this country, 8000 in fact ( and that’s a lot, do the math, 8000 x 365), celebrate their birthday on January 1^st. But it’s not only those April birds and bees that explain this phenomenon, it’s those looming first of the year deadlines.

Until the 1970’s, most all Slovenes were born at home -- many, many, on farms, and (the Socialist Federal Republic of) Yugoslavia had a mandatory military. It behooved boys born at home to be a year younger on paper, thus giving them an extra year to work on the farm, and an extra year of maturity before they had to take on military duty.

It's true, having your Slovene birthday in the future doesn’t predispose you to celebrating the New Year, with your birthday, but it does make it likely you’ll be born on a weekday. That statistic is the case now since 99% of births are in a hospital. Weekend days off for OB-GYNS?

Next. When you are born Slovene, you’ll need a quick lesson in who you are.

Your country will be Slovenija.

Your language is Slovenscina, but you will speak Slovensko.

If you are male in your future life, you will be a Slovenec.

If you are female, a Slovenka.

When you come home from abroad, you’ll be going to Slovenijo.

And when professing your national pride, you are Slovenije.

Getting nervous?

Well Don’t.

All those Slovene language innuendos will be second nature to one born in a country where the average person speaks more than three or four languages. And with an average life expectancy of 80, you’ll have plenty of time to master anything you’d like. Yes, Eighty years in this beautiful country. Eighty years in a country that names its streets things like Beethovnova Ulica, and its town squares after poets and architects. A country that puts composers and polymaths on their bills, and intriguing animals on their coins. A country with a national donut.

Slovenian currency bills are called tolars, and tolars to donuts you will be rich when you’re reborn Slovene. And not just rich in spirit. You’ll accumulate wealth as well. Not just because there is no inflation here, but also because your tolars won’t be eating a hole in your pocket. They’re just too beautiful to spend.

Tolars come in a rainbow of colors. There are nine different tolar bills. One (of course), has the famed poet we all know and love now, France Preseren;

one with the architect Jose Plecnik;

two have painters;

another a writer;

one a composer;

one a Protestant (protestant?) thinker; in this Roman Catholic country?

and one a polymath (a word made for google).

The coins are called stotins, and are without a single white male bust (I'm sorry but male busts have never done a thing for me). Instead, they don animals. There is the owl, the bee, a trout, a Swallow, a horse (the well-known Slovenian bred Lipizzaner of Austrian fame), and the ibex.

This striking currency lasted only 15 years though – from the time of national independence in 1992, until the adoption of the Euro currency in 2007 (after joining the EU in 2004), so you’ll be using Euros. But not to worry. “A jury of Slovene artists, designers, and cultural experts made the final recommendations for the national sides of the Euro coins to be used” in Slovenia.

And as you might imagine, the final choices include France Preseren;

as well as Trubar, the man who wrote down the first Slovenian text in the 10^th century;

Mt Triglav (the highest peak, three-pronged Julian Alp here);

Jose Plecnik’s unrealized plans for the Slovenian Parliament (demonstrating his vision for future Slovenian independence);

the Lipizzaner --“neither a racehorse, nor a horse for war, but rather a horse of beautiful, youthful and happy character … two horses in the most beautiful pose: at play”. Including “play” in the national agenda? Such a fun country;

the Stork; Hopefully carrying a baby.

the sower of seeds -- “being a frequent motif used by creative artists”;

and finally, the ancient stone -- “which is the symbol of the hierarchical organization of power in Slovenian consciousness”. To be understood in your next life.

The rainbow of Tolars

The Slovenian Stork

98.8% of these coins have babyless storks,

1.2% are with child

The Ancient Stone

All the Slovenian Euro Cents

But let there be no doubt, there are two sides to every coin. And to every country as well.

Let’s see.

Think SLOVENIA.

Now, think YUGOSLAVIA.

It doesn’t take a synesthesic to see, and feel, the difference.

Slovenia is a country whose time has come.

And Yugoslavia is a country whose time has gone.

It is just as the Slovenian poets, for hundreds of years, predicted.

Preseren's Muse, a job well done

Slovenia: the government funded tourism campaign says it all. I feel sLOVEnia. And everyone does.

Slovenia: think HOPE. And green, and open, and flexible, capable and well-thought out.

You know, like (the) US with OBAMA.

Yugoslavia: think oppressed and closed, anti-gay and mandatory military, heavy-handed government and stagnant economics.

You know, like (the) US with BUSH.

No, no, wait. That can't be right. A Socialist Republic paired with BUSH?, and the Capitalist, bright futured nation with Obama? Everyone knows Obama is the Socialist.

Oh hell, it’s such a mixed up world. Why is nothing black and white anymore?

All those damn shades of grey.

Glenn Beck, Mr. Beck, we need you. We need your (anti) black and (very) white perspective – in Slovenia.

No, not “Slovakia”, Slovenia. I know, it’s all the same to you, but it’s important when you’re boarding the plane because it can get confusing. Slovenia is the one with socialized healthcare, and lots of environmental regulation, but yet has Adria Airlines, with its impeccable safety record, leather seats, beautiful attendants in wool and cashmere, good food, and free cocktails. We're glad your coming. Help us sort all this socialism stuff out, will you?

Slovenia: It feels green and lovely. And its capitol is arguably one of the most intoxicating words, in any language.

Ljubljana: “City of the Dragon” with its famous dragon bridge, and historical myth of Jason and the Argonauts to glorify the city’s beginnings.

Slovenia: Nationally endowing the arts, heavily. More people attend symphony concerts in this country every year, than they do sporting events. The Slovenian Philharmonic Orchestra is the 3^rd oldest in all of Europe, dating back to 1701.

In 1992, just after Slovenia became an independent nation, an entire governmental agency to oversee culture and the arts was established. This Ministry of Culture then issued the “Strategic Development Programme of Cultural Policy in Slovenia”: It reads as follows.

. Culture and the arts are significant underpinnings of national existence and the development of social and economic life in the country.

• Culture and the arts should reach all Slovenes and citizens of the Republic of Slovenia.




• The Republic undertakes to spend 1.5 per cent of its gross national product for culture and the arts.




• The Republic will provide for the following aspects of culture and the arts in the National Cultural Programme: protection of public cultural goods, creation of conditions for new cultural production, promotion of Slovene culture abroad and presentation of foreign culture at home.




• The quality of a given cultural project is decisive for its incorporation into the National Cultural Programme (regardless of whether it is traditional or alternative, professional or amateur).




• The Republic will subsidize culture and the arts directly and indirectly (grants, tax relief, social insurance contribution).




• The Republic will establish a new unified system of protection of cultural and natural heritage, as well as a network of professional institutions.

A government subsidizing instrument-making instead of warmongering?

Dance instead of corn?

Literal puppets instead of figurative ones?

Granted, it doesn't bode well for curling; but it looks good for drumming.

Slovenian Philharmonic Orchestra Building

c. 1701

Slovenia: a country with negligible crime, beautiful doors, and a climate change agenda. This small country, who’s CO2 emissions are less than ¼ of a % of the United States or China’s emissions, cares about global warming? Yes they do, and in a big way. In fact, they have an entire “Governmental Department on Climate Change” dedicated to the issue, headed by Jernje Stritih.

Minister Stritih, we need your "cool"-headed approach in the U.S.

Slovenia: A country where the anniversary of a poet’s death ( Preseren of course) is a national holiday, declared work-free by the state since independence in 1991.

YUGOSLAVIA: It is hard not to think grey, and cabbage, and winter, and sauerkraut, and more grey. And, grey cement high-rise hell.

socialist-era

Not socialist era










A Little of Baroque, a little of that

Ursuline Church of the Holy Trinity, one of the original Baroque buildings in Ljubljana

c. 1726

The apt's view of Socialism

Ljudska Posojilnica (The People's Loan Society)

Art Nouveau, 1907

And how odd to have endless dull cement dwellings here, since it was "Yugoslavia" (specifically, the now Croatian island of Brac) that supplied the pristine white limestone columns for the United States’ Whitehouse. That's right, the underpinnings of the Whitehouse are Socialist.

You mean there is a black man in our white house, surrounded by pillars of socialism?

Well hell, I say just paint it grey then.

That pearly white stuff was getting a bit dingy anyway.

But wait, more importantly -- You mean there was an ALTERNATIVE to all this cement? That beautiful limestone was right here all the time? And there were no leftovers for local use?

The ever-present phrase “socialist-era” is indeed needed here when describing all these grey buildings. And it is thrown around a lot. “Socialist-era” hotel, “socialist era” this, or “socialist-era that”.

The “SLOVENE DREAM” is a website, run by three very enthusiastic Slovenes, for tourists. Read what it says about the quaint Ljubljana Hotel Slamic.

Back in the 1930's Slamič (pron. Slamich) had a reputation as one of the best-loved institutions in Ljubljana life. But along came the bad, red people, who nationalised just about anything of any worth, including family-owned enterprises such as this. Fast-forward to the very recent past, when the owner's descendents bought back the property from the state, with a view to re-establishing the name of Slamič as representing all that is good in Ljubljana's blossoming tourist trade. Originally opened as a 'B&B' (the powers that decide on hotels' designations still being firmly rooted in the dull past), this is actually what us lot in the rest of the world would call a HOTEL (caps for the Slovenly authorities).

And they go on to separate even the country’s spas into “naff, socialist-era spas”, “EU money” spas, or the desirable spas.

A “socialist-era spa”. What is that exactly?

Very plain, no Zen package?

Dentist? or no?

Let’s hope no.

Socialist spa protest

Pokluka, the VERBA LANGUAGE SCHOOL'S ski trip destination, is another indication of this Slamic phenomenon. In fact, there are many examples of beautiful old buildings being redressed in that socialist style during the “socialist era”. Pokluka was originally a quaint ski lodge, built in the 20’s. Sort of a Grove Park Inn, or Salishan, or Lodge at Yellowstone, with lots of stacked stone, exposed beams, and sitting porches. But somewhere along the way, in the 60’s or 70’s, it was transformed into the well-known “sport hotel” , cementing over the stone, boxing in the porches, and removing all the (beautiful) doors. Now, that’s socialism for you. Uninspired and heavy-handed, but utilitarian. Mr. Beck, your check-in is at 2. We have just the hotel for you.

THE ORIGINAL POKLUKA

"THE SPORTY VERSION"

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FOUNTAIN AND FACADE, iron-gated in that socialist era

But let’s be fair, in the US, we were wearing bell bottoms, big flowers, and even bigger glasses in the 60’s and 70’s? And weren’t we vinyling-in porches, lowering ceilings, and carpeting over hardwood floors? Ok, Okay, it’s deeper than that. It’s the “nationalizing anything of worth” that’s the problem.

But nationalizing donuts was a good idea.

Oh yea, it's not just the nationalizing thing, it's the money thing.

But I say it’s that darn architecture -- colorless, block-like and un-human.

Strikingly similar to Mr. Beck's head.

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"Eastern and Central European Real Estate Fund"

But, SHHHHHHHHHHH. Let’s not invite Mr. Beck afterall. These streets of socialist high rises and barrack like buildings might be just the ammunition he needs to kill our healthcare bill once and for all.

But no, it wouldn’t work. Slovenians seem to love their healthcare system. In fact, they wrote thousands of letters saying just that, to Nicholas Kristof of the NY Times after his October 2009 defaming gaffe of Slovenian healthcare.

Why do they love it so?

Could it be the medicinal properties of those Socialist roots?

No way, Socialism? The era that ruined the Slamic and Pokluka, brings with it good healthcare? There they are, all those awful shades of grey, again.

Our apt owner, whose wife is a physician, says “Zit is so funny to us, ve could never go vbankvrupt when we are sick. Wvat does this involve for you exactly.”

It’s not entirely clear, but surely it must involve Glenn Beck.

Everyone in Slovenia pays into the government administered system, if they are “able”, and everyone gets care when they need it. Remember, each household only spends 1.6% of their income on healthcare. That’s .08% per person if you are married, and compared with 6% per household in the U.S. Wow, no wonder they have all that cash leftover for “café expenditures”. Riverside cappuccinos on the Ljubljanica, or say, colonoscopy. Take your pick Glenn.

OOPS, I forgot, you’ll never have to choose. You’re in that .1 top rich percent. Though still, the latter option might be hard given your head up your ass. And remember that's rit in Slovene. I know that's a word you can't do without.

And speaking of healthcare, meet Jafer, our local Krofi supplier. He is one of those 95% in Slovenia who like their healthcare. He is 19 and works 6 days a week at his Pekarna Slascicarna Center, the bakery his father has owned since 1988. His mother is Macedonian, his father Turkish, and his one brother, a lawyer in London. Jafer makes incredibly good Slanik, and Baklava, and ………Krofi – those nationalized Slovenian donuts with apricot filling. He speaks Slovene, English, Turkish, Albanian, Serbian, Macedonian, Croatian, and he loves Slovenia -- Including the healthcare.

“I like it very, very much. It is better here than in any other place. My aunt had a lung transplant here.”

A lung transplant? With socialized medicine? See Glenn, it’s not so bad. You can get your needed heart transplant here. And it won’t even involve that “ancient stone” .

Jafer is not socialist, or a capitalist, but he is a Muslim. And when asked if he likes President Obama, he smiles and says,

“I like him because he likes Muslims very much. I hope that he makes peace. Maybe he will. There is much hope.”

Now there’s a message Mr. Obama needs to hear.

“Jafer, do you deliver?

We need a dozen Krofi. 11 apricot, and the 12th with just a fortune tucked inside.

There is someone in that Socialist-stoned Whitehouse who needs some good luck."

"Jafer"

Pekarna in Slascicarna

KROFI

Dear Universe,

I have been good in this life and I write to ask if I might be re-born Slovene. It is a lot to ask, I know, with all those languages to learn, arts and culture events to attend, and café kavas to buy. But, there are not that many Slovenes, and it would be such a shame for them to die out. They NEED people like me, people willing to be less than whole. People willing to be that 0 .2%.

I may not be a poet, or polymath, or musician, but I can revere them. I may not an architect, or artist, but I like to exist in well-designed spaces. And I may not be the perfect environmentalist, but I know that in my next life, I could reduce my carbon footprint, if only you would give me smaller feet.

And I promise that my beautiful Slovenian door will always be open to those in need, and that I will work hard to come to know the “hierarchical organization of power in my (Slovene) consciousness”, just as that ancient stone on the money in my pocket will dictate.

But there is one more thing, Universe. With gratitude, and no expectations, I humbly ask you. Please, don’t give me orange hair, make me live in one of those grey socialist-era buildings, or let me vacation without the Zen Package. And if it’s not too much more to ask, give me good health. And good healthcare too, just in case. Oh, wait, I forgot, that’s already in the bargain.

Lastly, I know fully it ‘s not my place to make suggestions with regards to other people’s future, but it’s about that Glenn Beck. I doubt he is asking for Slovenia in his next life, seeing how he hates Socialism and all. But if by chance he does, and he turns up snake instead of human, will you make sure he is born in the zoo? There is a nice one right here in Ljubljana, you know, one of those “socialist-era” zoos.

Yours in reverence for all things good, beautiful, and peaceful,

Silence

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